Disclaimer: this is not a mommy blog, but I wanted to share my news, and my Little Cupcake, and a few of my post baby thoughts with you guys. 😊
If you are grandparents/godparents/aunts/uncles/baby-lovers stopping in to see pictures, here is a link to the Baby Gallery. I’ll be posting to this gallery often for you guys since I’m not a huge fan of sharing pictures on social media. Call me paranoid, but whatever. (I’m paranoid, actually.)
But if you came here because you want to read my few scant thoughts on my new motherhood experience, continue on…
Soooo…look what I made last week.
Our bodies are talented to make these adorable little floppy pink things, huh? Dang. I’m so impressed. And in love. Even her screaming fits at 2 A.M. aren’t as horrible as I thought they’d be. She’s so cute and helpless and she looks too much like me to just wish all this away. (Why didn’t I get one of these sooner?!)
I have so many emotions and thoughts post-partum. I’m full of mush. I’m acting in ways I didn’t expect to. Life feels so much richer. Even on a few hours of sleep, life feels like it’s just beginning. Things I thought I needed to worry about don’t seem so important anymore, and I feel more inspired to pursue my dreams now that I have a little girl watching my example.
I’m not going to lie, I was not a good sport about getting pregnant unexpectedly. I threw a fit. It didn’t help that I was ill the whole nine months, landed in the hospital with scary pre-term labor, struggled to eat enough, and experienced severe prodromal labor for 6 weeks before her arrival. On top of all the physical illness, I was terrified about the balance of parenting and keeping hold of my identity. People kept telling me that I’d never sleep again, I’d never have time to finish my degree, and that my life would “change forever” in a myriad of negative ways. I witnessed girlfriends giving up on everything to carry the brunt of the parenting. Their husbands didn’t contribute to the family unit because they were too busy living their life.
People love to point you towards the negative about parenting, and my imagination ran wild with it.
But it came to a point where I had to choose what I’d do with this experience. Happiness, and even success, is a choice after all. So instead of caving into the social norm to laze around the house in yoga pants, binge watch Netflix, complain, and use my child as an excuse to give up–I did the opposite. I decided to turn the negative energy into a challenge I accepted. If you know me well, I’m not the kind of woman to sit around the house all day. I love pursuing my college education. I work hard every morning to outdo the woman I was yesterday. I’m working towards my dream career. I want to create my home to be a comfortable, hospitable, and welcoming space for anyone who needs a place to crash. A baby, or so society led me to believe, was going to be nothing but a burden and a waste of time—but I knew better. A baby—or a family—is part of the big dream. It’s the inspiration for a beautiful life, not the excuse to give up. I owe the best version of myself to my husband ad daughter.
When my water broke last Monday night, I knew I was finally entering the next level in this game we call life. It was the moment when I would begin the journey to step up to the challenge. And I felt a peace and security that God was just beginning with me. God didn’t give us the example of the Proverbs 31 Woman because she was boring, unproductive, ugly, and ignorant—so I wasn’t going to be either. By the time my body was ready to push, I felt mentally prepared to adapt parenthood int my life.
My favorite thing about Vivi’s birth was that I got to experience it with Blake. It was so beautiful watching him react to every stage. From me panicking all the way to the hospital, to wheeling me into Labor and Delivery, holding me when the pain was too unbearable, and picking up my slack when I was too weak to. He was my rock through the whole process, and I felt proud that I was the girl who got to give him the baby that he’s been praying for since he was a teenager.
It was 9:30 P.M. when my water broke. Because I had early labor for so long, my body was ready to eject Vivi within 6 hours. I dilated from a 2.5 to a 9 in about an hour, and the pain—wooooooo! Even after receiving an epidural, I will never forget telling Blake, “I can’t do this anymore.” He defaulted into cheerleader mode, reassuring me that I could do this. Then I felt her slip out of my body with a vengeful force, and the doctor laid a white, little slimy baby with big blue eyes on my chest. She looked right at me and all I could say was, “Hello there, baby.” Next to saying my marriage vows to Blake, those last five minutes of birth were the most magical moments in my life.
Womanhood and all the aspects that come with it, is a challenge to be accepted. It’s a masterpiece that needs to be painted. Being an independent, successful, and even beautiful woman is about waking up everyday and choosing not to be lazy. It’s choosing to do the harder thing. It’s choosing to live maturely. It’s choosing to live for others because there is joy in that. It’s choosing to work for your dreams, too. It’s choosing to put effort into yourself. It’s choosing to finish school, or whatever things God has placed on your heart to do. This stage in life is beautiful and empowering, and we have all the skills we need to make it work beautifully.
People have said things to me like, “You’ll ever sleep again,” or “You’ll never finish college,” or “Life is hell with kids.” As if those were reasons to avoid starting a family. Yes, I get it. Its hard. No one said good things in life were easy. I dread going to bed every night because I know I’ll be getting up with a screaming baby in just a few hours. But babies are no excuse to quit on life. They should be the inspiration to be a better woman than you were yesterday.
Vivi is my new inspiration to be a better woman tomorrow. One day she will be old enough to mimic me and absorb everything she sees me doing. Do I want her to think she was the reason I lived frumpy? Or the reason I forgot about my God-given dreams? Or that she’s the reason I incubated a negative, hateful attitude about motherhood? No! I want her to imitate a woman who worked hard, hustled, impacted others, and created a beautiful life.
Wrapping up (I have to go feed the baby haha!) I started thinking how I needed to pray for my daughter. What do you pray for your child? What do you ask for that will be the biggest benefit to them? Success? Long life? Safety? Security? All of those things are promised to us in Heaven, and I believe life is meant to be lived hard and raw and meaningful because Heaven will mean more to us.
So my mother’s prayer for Vivi is this:
“Lord, grant my daughter the gift of a big heart,
predestine her to do big things in the name of Jesus,
and please teach her how to love life.”
Life is so wonderful. Wonderful might not include a full 8 hours sleep, but it does include cuddles, giggles, baby blankets, fulfilling dreams, and making memories.